Cyborg (1989) Review: The Van Damme Wasteland Movie Built From He-Man and Spider-Man Scraps

The Slept-On Cinema Case

The hosts make their case through the backstory, the costumes, and the locations. Cannon had planned a Masters of the Universe sequel and a Spider-Man movie, ran out of money, and was left with about $2 million in costumes and sets. Pyun wrote a script around them in a weekend and shot it in 23 days. Jean-Claude Van Damme, fresh off Bloodsport, chose it over Delta Force 2 and American Ninja 3. Grobe adds the detail that became a running joke: the production rented its dirt instead of buying it, for about a quarter of the price. "Necessity being the mother of invention," he says. The genre didn't exist until the studio needed it to.

Spoilers from here: the Draft, BOLOs, fights, and finale details follow. Start with the episode’s spoiler-free first half if you have not watched yet.

The first pick

Stan takes Fender's outfit first overall: the sunglasses, the chain mail, the boots, all of it found-object apocalypse wear that still reads as a threat the second he walks on screen. Grobe takes Fender himself. Vincent Klyn went on to play Warchild in Point Break, he narrates the movie's intro in character, and the hosts put him among the top five villains the show has covered.

Also drafted: the premise of getting the cure to Atlanta, which the hosts decide The Walking Dead borrowed as an homage; location manager David Blake Hartley, whose marshes and abandoned buildings work like another character; the sewers, and the fight where pirates keep popping out of a sewer hole one at a time like a video game; the score; and the knife sharpening. "There is definitely more knife sharpening than there is dialogue in this film," Stan says.

BOLOs

• Slow-mo, flashbacks, the split, and the high kick.
• Knife sharpening, knives rigged to throw real sparks in the night scenes, and a meat hook.
• A distinctive set of eyes, one earring, a wig, and a toenail.
• Graffiti, maybe the best pipe swing the hosts have seen, and a coat that arrives right when it is expected.

Worth watching?

Yes. Superlative, favorite dystopian thing: unanimous for the clothing, with Grobe's honorable mention going to the ruins of the old world. Bumper stickers: "I didn't make this world" (Stan, for the most expensive car on the road) and "Don't look down on me" (Grobe, for an older one). One change to make it a blockbuster: Stan would rename it Slinger, since the cyborg is "basically a flash drive" and Van Damme is not one. Grobe would let Nady live. The 86 minutes are nearly perfect; Stan would trim about a minute of slow-mo. Drink to pair: Grobe's Rickenbacker, a Gibson with a splash of smoky mezcal, or Stan's neat, peaty Scotch, because there are no mixers in the future.

Production observation

Released April 7, 1989; $3.2 million opening weekend. Fender is dubbed for the entire film; the hosts say Klyn's natural voice was too laid-back for the part, and the production cast him for his look and movement anyway. They also see the movie's fingerprints on Waterworld, and they think Cyborg has the better outfits. The rain-soaked final fight plays almost beat for beat like the ending of Universal Soldier. Spin-off pitches: The Rise of Fender, and Slingers, following Gibson after the credits. Next up on the show: Drop Zone, the fifth Wesley Snipes movie.

Keep the movie night going

• Universal Soldier, Double Impact, Sudden Death and Timecop for more Van Damme.
• Over the Top for the show's other Cannon Films production.
• The Net for the Gibson that started it all in Episode 1.
• The Qualification List for every movie the show has defended.